Physical sobriety can be defined as physical abstinence from a substance, but there is another side to sobriety. Emotional sobriety is being able to experience and tolerate our feelings once sober.

People in a 12-step program talk about being happy, joyous, and free. But what if you still have anxiety, depression, anger, shame? These feelings are entirely normal, too, and it does not mean you are failing the program.

Emotional sobriety isn’t about being happy all the time, as it isn’t realistic for human beings. Also, mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression are uncomfortable, but the good news is they are treatable. Sometimes we may not even know we have the disorder until we are sober and no longer using substances. That’s when they can present themselves.

About two years into sobriety, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar. A mental health condition I never wanted and I had stigmatized. It took another two years to accept the diagnosis. I genuinely believe my substance use was masking my Bi-Polar disease.

I have thought at times, “how will I ever find someone to love me with this?” I take proper medication, participate in intense therapy twice a week, and do effective self-care to manage the condition. My boyfriend had seen me at lows (before I was treating myself) and me now (excelling with treatment).

He has stuck with me through the course, and sometimes I’m not sure why. Perhaps unconditional love. I met him when I was in a manic phase though neither of us knew it. I do recognize that our connection would not have been sustainable if I had not gotten help.

I believe the only reason we have been able to stay the course this long is because of my work on emotional sobriety.

This article touches on obtaining emotional sobriety and then pursuing dating. It is undoubtedly the best course, but even if you are already in a relationship or mental health issues arise once in a relationship, it can still succeed if you are willing and able to seek help.

How can I obtain emotional sobriety

Emotional sobriety is about tolerating your feelings for what they are, whether negative or positive. My mind used to go to reaction mode immediately. Sometimes it led to relapse. Working a 12 step program and staying the course taught me patience, tolerance, and acceptance of all feelings, so I no longer felt I had to react at the moment.

When I have anger, I sit with it rather than yelling, blaming, running away, or trying to numb. I’ve learned that through sitting and waiting, either the anger passes, or a better solution emerges from the ashes.

The same is true for sadness and anxiety. If I can sit through the muck, it will turn around, or I’ll find the issue I was experiencing the emotion over ends up not being as big of a deal as I originally made it to be.

Positive feelings also need to be experienced for what they are. As a recovering alcoholic and living with Bi-Polar I can sometimes want more versus allowing it to be. I used to chase more of what was causing the joy (alcohol, more shopping, more time with a man, more praise at work). Often if I ended up chasing more, I would end up sabotaging the joy.

So once you have learned to tolerate, accept, and experienced feelings at a higher level, you will experience freedom from the bondage of self. You not only can be a better person for yourself but others, including intimate partners.

I’ve practiced emotional wellness and ready for dating

If you feel you have practiced and learned how to manage emotions, then you are likely ready to be a healthy partner for another. It will always be a program to work on, just like physical sobriety, because human emotions can be intense! So continue to work on emotional wellness as you move into a relationship with another.

The fantastic news is you are bringing your best self to the relationship. You are also able to offer something that many other people cannot. Emotional sobriety is a skill, and it is a damn good one to have! Be proud of yourself for your work. Others, including those you date, will recognize it in you too.

Ready to explore more so you can bring your best self to the table

If you want to learn more about how to have the relationship of your dreams, then consider the sober relationship blueprint. We will provide you with the support you need as you explore relationships in recovery.

It is a five-week program where you will learn about the five areas of sober relationships:

• Self-Esteem
• Openness
• Boundaries
• Evolving
• Readiness

It is a blueprint to help you obtain the relationships you deserve, so connect and let’s chat