In the early stages of recovery, the goal is to focus on yourself. That is why addiction experts, and maybe your sponsor, if you worked with one, recommend not dating during the first year of recovery.

When we first get SOBER, we need time to work through the steps and discover who we are as sober people. If another person is in the picture, then that deters essential self-discovery.

I know that I jumped into relationships much too early - because of this, I was incapable of working with my sponsor honestly. I couldn't dig deep into healing because I was too ‘distracted’ with being in the relationship.

A few years into my cycle of sobriety, relationships….I finally took a long break from men. I attended more meetings, worked on trauma healing with my therapist, discovered my self-interests, and spent much-needed quality time with my kids.

So once we are physically sober for a significant period (no substance use, working through a program, physically healthy), we can be ready for dating again. But how do we know when we are ready?

No Rush

Some addiction experts say at least six months, while some say a year. I think it is up to you, but a useful guideline is to follow the one-year rule. Your body needs to physically detox, and it sometimes takes a year for the addictive obsessions to subside.

Your body heals physically during that year. Your organs learn to function again and correct some of the damage from chemical addiction. It is also a time where many in recovery begin to engage in physical exercise and wellness. It would help if you had that time to focus on yourself, so you heal and restore.

We are ready when we have worked the 12 steps

When I say the steps, I mean all 12 steps. It is imperative that you take a year to work the 12 steps thoroughly and with your full attention. I will set you up for success in sobriety and relationships.

The 12th step is working with other women in recovery. I work with other women in recovery now, and it is a lot like parenting! It requires a commitment and your full attention. You have to be willing to drop anything to answer the phone. But it is critical because other people's lives are at stake.

It is also the most significant gift you can give yourself or someone else. Helping other women who are battling alcoholism will be the most incredible service work you will ever do. If you can offer the gift versus jumping into a relationship with an unpredictable man, which would you pick?

Now, this doesn't mean men need to be sworn off forever. As mentioned earlier, I have one in my life. But we have boundaries meaning we only see each other a few days a month.

He spends time working and with his children the rest of the month. I spend time working recovery, my job, and also raising my daughter.

The right person will adjust as they will understand recovery takes a lot of time and dedication. Make sure you wait for that person.

My story involves reconnecting with a man I met when I was in my cycle of pain. We hadn’t seen each other in 6 years. I had done incredible self-work & so had he. I was able to offer something different, and he saw a changed woman.I saw a changed man. In simple terms, we had both ‘grown up’.

As of July 2021, I will have 9 years of consistent recovery and still do a lot of recovery work...he finds inspiration and motivation through me. It's turned out to be quite a beautiful ‘new’ friendship.

Have you done the work and are ready for recovery

If you have done the work and firmly believe you are ready for the dating world, look into the sober relationship blueprint. Why? Because just like getting sober, you don't have to do this alone!

It is a five-week program where you will learn about the five areas of sober relationships:

• Self-Esteem
• Openness
• Boundaries
• Evolving
• Readiness

The end goal is to teach you how to have deep, meaningful relationships. And the best part…. You'll be part of a community of like-minded women who are learning just like you.

Check out the program and be on your way to the relationship you deserve!