Sexual Intimacy in Sobriety

Sexual intimacy is a normal and healthy component of relationships. In recovery, we discover how to have good, healthy relationships sometimes for the first time in our lives. Sexual intimacy involves a level of trust and honesty - to honor both yourself and your partner.

What qualifies me to speak on sexual intimacy? I am a student of life, as we all are & I have had to learn through my mistakes to arrive at understanding the importance of real sexual intimacy between me & my partner.

I used to be desperate for “love” and jumped into sexual encounters that were unhealthy and unfulfilling. I allowed men to take advantage of me because I had no value in myself. I was using sex to numb out just as I had done with alcohol.

It pains me to look back upon these memories, but it was part of my journey, and I understand now that at the root was a lack of self-love.

So what broke the cycle? I threw myself into SLAA (Sex & Love Addictws Anon), SAA (Sex Addicts Anon) and A.A.. I surrounded myself with women in recovery, turned my attention to my family & kids, focused on my career and on myself. I had to begin to find my true self.

I had to break the pattern that I engaged in throughout my life - I had experienced one-night stands and relationships with toxic men & I finally had to put my foot down- ENOUGH!

The Journey Begins Within

For me, I had to identify the issues at the core that are contributing to our addiction. How do we discover what these issues are within us?

One idea is to work with a therapist. Working with a therapist can help to identify wounds and trauma. We need to address this head-on, or we are destined to repeat the patterns of the past. Other issues that can be at the core of our pain may be trauma or mental health issues. We have to treat the core problem to begin to heal ourselves.

Once this work had progressed to a point where I was ready for a relationship again, I proceeded forward cautiously at first with a renewed sense of power.

Healthy Components of Sexual Intimacy

Therapists suggest the following as a guide to identify what healthy sexual intimacy consists of in a sober relationship:

• Expecting a long term relationship
• Thinking in terms of “us” versus “me”
• Trust when sexually intimate
• Genuinely knowing the other person before sexual intimacy
• Treating one another with respect and fairness
• Honestly expressing love and affection when together

Sometimes past traumas or self-esteem issues can block our ability to be intimate. If this applies, then it’s suggested to continue to work on those underlying issues until you get to a point where you are comfortable and ready to move forward.

Remember, it is healthy and wise to wait until you have a year of sobriety. Take the relationship slowly, communicate so you are comfortable, and always work on your recovery simultaneously.

You Can Thrive in Sober Relationships

The most important thing I have learned is you need to take care of yourself first. I had to be harmed and hit my bottom before realizing that another soul could and would not save me. Rely on yourself first and do the work.

Once you have “found you” and are ready to move to the next level within a relationship, you will be prepared for the Sober Relationship Blueprint.

The program will help you discover how to show up and be emotionally available, learn how to be relational, choose healthy partners, and learn to communicate your wants and needs to break unhealthy patterns.

If you are ready for a solution, learn more about The Sober Relationship Blueprint Program- because you are worthy of the relationship of a lifetime!